March 31st, 2014
49/138 - March 31st 2014

Current Mood: 
- I’ve got an itch for adventure & an impulse to match. 

I feel like a cheater because this isn’t my picture, HOWEVER, this couldn’t be more true. 

I know I need to “growup” and be responsible blah blah blah…. But I really feel a small trip somewhere would quench my need to explore & help kick this depression. I haven’t wanted to go somewhere or do anything for so long. 

I need this.

49/138 - March 31st 2014

Current Mood:
- I’ve got an itch for adventure & an impulse to match.

I feel like a cheater because this isn’t my picture, HOWEVER, this couldn’t be more true.

I know I need to “growup” and be responsible blah blah blah…. But I really feel a small trip somewhere would quench my need to explore & help kick this depression. I haven’t wanted to go somewhere or do anything for so long.

I need this.

January 1st, 2014
48.5/148January 1, 2014

Level of sadness is beyond comprehension.
I can’t go on living this way.
I wanted to make a post of all the fantastic things I wanted to accomplish this year; however, my sadness has gotten the best of me. Depression is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I couldn’t feel more alone in this struggle. 

I just want happiness, to feel like I want to do anything. 

This is just so hard. 

Inner peace is just so hard to come by, why?

48.5/148January 1, 2014

Level of sadness is beyond comprehension.
I can’t go on living this way.
I wanted to make a post of all the fantastic things I wanted to accomplish this year; however, my sadness has gotten the best of me. Depression is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with and I couldn’t feel more alone in this struggle.

I just want happiness, to feel like I want to do anything.

This is just so hard.

Inner peace is just so hard to come by, why?

48/138January 1st 2014
 Holy shit! FOUR YEARS & I’ve yet to finish this, that’s depressing. 
Slow & steady wins the race :)

48/138January 1st 2014
Holy shit! FOUR YEARS & I’ve yet to finish this, that’s depressing.
Slow & steady wins the race :)

November 6th, 2013
47/138 - 6 November 2013 

My oh my, how everything has changed over the past 3 years. 
Wild, wicked, beautiful life ✌️

47/138 - 6 November 2013 

My oh my, how everything has changed over the past 3 years.
Wild, wicked, beautiful life ✌️

May 7th, 2012

46/138 or 273/365 or 7 May 2012 

I’ve came to a conclusion: I’m an asshole.

I’m bitter, bruised, abrasive to say the least, more guarded than the president on inaugural day & clearly have a lack of empathy, especially for strangers. I hate everyone when I first meet them & typically don’t go out of my way to make friends - because well, I don’t like to & I don’t need them.

I do know that when I let down my guard, people love me. I haven’t done that much in the past year or two. I suppose that’s what getting fucked over pretty good will do to you. Do people ever recover from this? 

Maybe this is becoming apart of my personality. Maybe my resiliency has wore off. Maybe if I had the above traits before hand I wouldn’t have let people fist me when I wasn’t looking. 

I’m never going to be graceful, I’ll never be the sweet girl next door, my life will never be dull or stable.

My life has been one insane narrative since conception. 

Tangent: 

How many of you know that you were the product of an affair? Like the real deal, mom was married & had two kids, dad was married and also had two kids, then BAM! You come along, they both end up divorced. Father leaves partially because he’s worthless & partly for the cover up. 

The 80s must have been crazy. 

End tangent.

My point of this entry is just that, that Im an asshole and I know it. Do I embrace it or try to change it?

I’ve decided to take into consideration, starting things with my best foot forward. What if I actually greeted someone with sincerity and a smile, instead of a dirty look and a “fuck off” mentality? 

Im very uneasy with this whole thing.

But I’m also tired of being an asshole, life is too short.

New job starts tomorrow, maybe along with an attitude adjustment.

Maybe.

"& they might never understand why I do what I do, but I can only speak my mind and what I feel is true…"

April 1st, 2012

45/138 - 272/365 or 1 April 2012

St. Patties Day. Court Avenue 2012. 

In the words of Alyssia, “Oopsie poopsies.” 

I may get sidetracked but I never stray too far.

It’s One April & almost 90 degrees. 

Current status: 

- Geographically: On my balcony 3 floors above the busy street of Court Avenue.

- What Im doing: People watching, blogging & drinking wine.

- What I’m listening to: The Fray’s newest album

- Thought of the day: I’ve got to get my shit straight & the help I need. No more delaying the inevitable. The sooner, the less people I’ll lose that I care about. <-Deep

- Shallow thought of the day: Where’d all these obese people come from ?!

- I ve got an itch to travel that I need to scratch oh, so, so bad. 

- Staring at the spaghetti works patrons, I wish I had that food, Im STARVING!!! 

Oh yeah, btfw, Ryan will be home any moment. That makes me beyond elated, can’t wait to see that little nugget ! ! ! :*

February 28th, 2012

44/138 - 271/365 - 28 Feb 2012

" But I found a boy that I adore more than I ever did you before so stand beside the river I cried & let yourself down, look how you want me now that I don’t need you, 

So you thought that I would crumble to my knees at the first sight of you crawling back to me,

to whisper, “will you leave your man?” because you swear this time you can stand by me, 

I won’t stand by you,

'cause I found a boy who I adore, more than I ever I did you before, So stand beside the river I cried & let yourself down,

Look how you want me now that I don’t need you …

I could never look into your eyes & settle for wrong and ignore the right,

When I found a boy who adores me more than you ever did before,

So stand beside the river you cried and let yourself down,

Look how you want me now that I don’t need you…” 

&hearts; 

November 7th, 2011

43/138 or 270/365 or 25/10/2011

Saddle Up, It’s Time to Go

Do homework that’s been stackin’ up like, ‘Racks on racks on racks”.  Fuck.

I’ve noticed lately I can’t properly convey how I feel. Typically I can write for hours upon hours, but lately I just can’t verbalize or write how I feel. It’s becoming extremely frustrating. Its like shaking up a soda can over and over, the pressure is building & Im doing my best not to explode. Maybe it’s the ‘soldier’ part in me not wanting to be weak or vulnerable. I just keep jamming to the same tunes over & over, identifying with the lyrics. Something isn’t right. 

Let me try breaking this shit down,

-Pulling up my sleeves, showing these scars for the world to see-

Currently Bumping: 

"Soundtrack to My Life" - Kid Cudi

I got 99 problems and they all bitches, 
Wish I was Jigga man, 
Care free livin, 
But I’m not shawn, 
Or Martin Louis, 
I’m that Cleveland n-gga, 
Rollin with them Brooklyn boy, 
You know how it be when you start living large, 
I control my own life, [Yes I do, so why am I sitting watching it spiral?]
Charles was never in charge
No sitcom could teach Scott, [‘cause we didn’t have electricity]
About the drama
Or even explain the troubles that haunted my mom [Root to a lot of evil]
On Christmas time
My mom Christmas crying [was High]
Got me most of what I wanted how’d you do it mom? [‘Wonder why christmas missed us’]
Huh, she got me toys I would play with in my room by myself [Alone in my room, bc you were too bust getting high]
Why he by himself? [Bc you left me, for something you felt was more important] 
He got 2 older brothers, 1 hood, 1 good
An independent older sister kept me fine when she could [brother, but he passed]
But they all didn’t see
The little bit of sadness in me
Scotty

[Chorus]
I’ve got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring outta me
I bring them to the light for you
It’s only right
This is the soundtrack to my life
The soundtrack to my life ohhhh
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/kid_cudi/soundtrack_of_my_life.html ]
[Verse 2]
I’m super paranoid like a sixth sense
Since my father died I ain’t been right since, [He’s as good alive as he is dead, worthless]
And I tried to piece the puzzle of the universe, 
Split an eighth of shrooms just so I can see the universe, 
I try to think about myself as a sacrifice, 
Just to show the kids they ain’t the only ones who up at night, 
The moon will illuminate my room and soon I’m consumed by my doom, 
Once upon a time nobody gave a f-ck, [When I had nothing, no one blinked]
It’s all said and done and my cocks been sucked, 
So now I’m in the cut, alcohol in the wound, 
My hearts an open sore that I hope heals soon, [Thank you]
I live in a cocoon opposite of Cancun, 
Where it is never sunny the dark side of the moon, 
So it’s more than right, I try to she’d some light on the man, 
Not many people of this planet understand. [Thank god for my sisters]

[Chorus]

November 5th, 2011

42/138 or 269/365 or 24/10/2011

I wear my emotions on my Sleeve & Keep my heart locked far, far away.

Here, you can have the key.

But you’ll never find it, because I’ve seem to have forgotten where I lost it.

41/138 or 268/365 or 23/10/2011

"They’re coming for you Barbra!"

Finally some much needed time with good company.

Best day of the whole week :]

40/138 or 267/365 or 22/10/2011

Clearly I have left the light on and the door open for too long.

-“These lies are leading me astray, its too much for me to stay, I don’t want to live this destiny it goes on endlessly, I see you so please stay strong, Ill sing you one last song and then I am gone…” 

There’s always one last song, that’s the problem.

Always.

39/138 or 266/365 or 21/10/2011

Beautiful Words On A Bathroom Wall

How sad is it that these words will never be spoken or said? I hope that “N” found/finds this.

I wonder if I’ll ever be able to feel like that again, not the heartbreak, the part where you love someone. It’s becoming a foreign concept. The more I think about it the less I want to love again. Cold feet? Bitter? Still hurt?

What the hell is really going on.

38/138 or 265/365 or 20/10/2011

"Bottom Of A Bottle" Smile Empty Soul

"Been scared and lonely
I’ve asked myself is something wrong with you
My girlfriend told me
I need some time alone to deal with issues

But something makes me carry on
It’s difficult to understand
Why I always wanna fly

I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle

You always call me
And ask me how I make it through the day
I’m always fallin’
I guess it’s just God’s way of making me pay

But something makes me carry on
It’s difficult to understand, why I always wanna fly

I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle

When I, I wonder why I try
And I, I wonder why I bother
And I, I wonder why I cry
Why I, I go through all this trouble

I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle

<3

37/138 or 264/365 or 19/10/2011

"Just Give Me My A l c o h o l"

I’d rather see that this bottle gets finished than my philosophy paper any day.

I got my problems on my mind and my mind on my problems.

36/138 or 263/365 or 18/10/2011

Bad Habits Are Creeping In

Study habits are terrible this semester. Like really terrible.

Must.Focus.Soon!